Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.

me: how is your pancake, bud?

3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft

You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.

you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”

If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.

every raccoon you see is currently on parole

MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.

ME: *thinks for a bit* …k

MAGICIAN: That is a letter.

ME: omg ur right

me: I’m stuck in a time loop

friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight

me: my watch is on too tight 🙂

Me: table for two

Hostess: did you have reservations

Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now

Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.

*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*

Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to

Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.

On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???

Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.

My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.

My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place

chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”

Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits

Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.

“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”

–a nice waiter or a bad mortician

There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.

ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!

I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.

Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.

Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM

WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]

Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?

Me: No

[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]

Me: But I used to be an embryo

Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.

*Do not consume if seal is broken*

I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.

[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?