My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
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This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
For the baby who has everything
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
I feel like people just come to the airport to cough
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Maths meets science
Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.