Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

her: aww you’re a cat dad!!

me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings

her: oh-

me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds

her: i… um…

me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies

her: yay!!!

My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover

The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.

Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.

Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.

Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.

age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]

Asking the real questions!

Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one

I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.

Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off

*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?

Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.

It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this

DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high

MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious

If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger

[at wife’s funeral]

Son: At least shes in heaven now

Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom

babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before

Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.

* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping

Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions

I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.

“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day

Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵

Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.

I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.

When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.

I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.

When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby

THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.

LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!