My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
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Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner