My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
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A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.