Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now

devil: done! wait, what the h-

me: no takebacksies

devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit

good work, detective

i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.

Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.

Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.

Me : Correct.

I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”

When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”

Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.

The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.

I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.

My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”

You guys just tried it, didn’t you?

i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs

584.

Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.

Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?

A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.

I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.

My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.

[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?

If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.

Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.

If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read

ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy

[4yrs later]

ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but don’t put your eye makeup on before you start chopping onions

I’m not homophobic, I love my house!

cat vs inanimate object

[texting]

me: touching my duck n thinking of you

her: gross, go to hell

me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it

[sinking in quicksand]

me: oh no

wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help

me: ok

[mambo no. 5 starts to play]

me: OH NO

thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke

any time someone tells me to “be better” i always say “show me how” and they get really mad

ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery