Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At noon, we ride.*

*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.

daughter: do I have to brush?

me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?

daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.

Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.

Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…

[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation

5: Can we go outside and play.

Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.

5: Can’t you just throw up outside?

If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.

For example: Her panties were muggy af.

I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.

At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.

Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.

My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.

God: [making trees]

Trees: yay

God: [making beavers]

Trees: nonononono

coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone

me: whoa magic

CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.

TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.

I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.

He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.

I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.

TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.

[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people

I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur

Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?

Me: Nice try, Santa.

My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.

I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…

It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.

Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?

Just a paranormal pants.

Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.

Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.

Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.

You’re never too old to follow your dreams.

When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.

People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.

*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*