Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?

2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged

~ This is a running joke

When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.

[Job interview]

“How would you describe yourself?”

“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”

“Anything else?”

“Over-literal sometimes.”

This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.

I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.

I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband

Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.

ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are

ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope

Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape

Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.

police: put ur hands behind ur back

me: are u mad at me

the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders

Doctor: How long have you been in pain?

Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997

“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us

I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech

My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.

My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart

Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.

A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”

Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.

Free will was a mistake.

I should have charged for it.

I’m so full I could puke a horse

Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends

Neo:

Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland

Neo:

Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle

Neo: What-

Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle

BREAKING NEWS

Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015

Use it while you can, white girls

Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.

Me: *being patted down* I can explain

Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening