Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: does anyone here play baseball

england: *crickets*

[moving day]

Me: Here we go. Bye house.

Husband: You forgot the kids.

Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.

today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey

“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”

assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone

Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy

Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}

M: Nearly done now

C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}

M: All finished

C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}

M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles

When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said

[ DURING SEX ]

Me: Who’s a bad hand!?

[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…

If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??

I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.

I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time

I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.

zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS

9th graders: whoa!

zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD

9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–

zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS

*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*

I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops

When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.

“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”

Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time

You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.

HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off

ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair

I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.

eats a dozen doughnuts…

*checks for flabs*

A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.

I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today

*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*

“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.

I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness

Act now and we will double your order of crap!

Infomercials

Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?

Me:…I rap a lot less.