My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
You Might Also Like
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”