My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
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Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”