If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
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damn girl, you got a butt that WON’T QUIT *butt pulls out a knife* wait, no- *butt stabs me* no, stop- *butt doesn’t stop* …et tu, bootay
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Parents Then: YOU’RE GOING TO SMOKE THE WHOLE CARTON, MISTER.
Parents Today: Explain it to me again … You’re a Nazi, but on the computer?
It seems to be true, particularly in middle America, that those most militant about using up fossil fuels, don’t actually believe in fossils
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
As a pot smoking narcissist, my life is all smoke and mirrors