@MatCro

My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.

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@ChipKellysBalls

If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall

@electrolemon

damn girl, you got a butt that WON’T QUIT *butt pulls out a knife* wait, no- *butt stabs me* no, stop- *butt doesn’t stop* …et tu, bootay

@2tickytacky

My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.

@sageboggs

KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good

@simoncholland

No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.

@fro_vo

ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no

@kibblesmith

Parents Then: YOU’RE GOING TO SMOKE THE WHOLE CARTON, MISTER.
Parents Today: Explain it to me again … You’re a Nazi, but on the computer?

@rickygervais

It seems to be true, particularly in middle America, that those most militant about using up fossil fuels, don’t actually believe in fossils

@roxiqt

When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.

@Jack9eight5

As a pot smoking narcissist, my life is all smoke and mirrors