My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
You Might Also Like
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Here’s a meme
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest