Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
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One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
I’d hang this in my house.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
“I took care of your clown problem.”
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.