My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?
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“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone