Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.

Me: So you’re like, standing?

Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.

I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.

The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…

More hair in my drain.

If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.

I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.

choose your fighter

random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!

When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.

[Me at the gym]

Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?

succession but with mickey mouse and friends

eating my hot dog hamburger style

I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag

(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*

Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.

When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.

I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body

I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.

I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.

doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news

me: better than having fox news 😉

doctor: hahahaha 🙂

me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂

doctor: haha give or take

[watching Boogie Nights]

age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.

age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?

*Puts couch down as emergency contact*

HER: men are so creepy

ME(from inside the walls): define creepy

Clark Kent is such a hipster.

He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman

can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.

I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents

yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other

‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’

I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…

devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up