My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?
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I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
There is wisdom there.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Come back with a warrant
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.