My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
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I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Food bloggers be like, “This is one of my go-to recipes but first here’s a Tolstoyesque tale about my grandmother, her friend Birdie, and the baking competition that threatened to tear apart a town before uniting it.”
Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐