Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She said she liked it doggy style…

…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.

Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.

Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.

We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.

I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

judge: i hold you in contempt

me: get in line, pal

Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.

Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?

Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes

I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today

Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-

Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE

If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.

I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class

Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!

Farmer: Yes I did

Farmer’s second head: WE did

Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.

Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.

I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.

How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?

Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE

Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years

Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn

Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one

[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u

rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month

Deer: *frozen in headlights*

Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater

My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.

You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.

Define “toned.”

-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps

Although my parachute instructor was calm and softly spoken he always made me jump .

Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!

Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?

Me: Guess

Friend: What’s its name?

Me: Spork

You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.