My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
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packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I only say stupid things when I talk.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
So how much budgie food do you actually want?…
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
