Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

billionaire: we’re all in this together

everyone: you lost money too?

billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer

“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook

The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.

The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.

Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-

[20 minutes later]

Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND

me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it

lady: can I have my baby back

Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder

*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”

My kids: can I have some of that bacon?

Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg*

*Makes cereal for my breakfast*

My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!

all that yoga finally paid off

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.

You are my people.

The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”

Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.

texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys

Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.

Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid

I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.

5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: okay

5: ready..? Start.

Me:

5:

Me:

5: whoever talks first is the loser.

People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong

Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.

Did you even think about that??

Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home

There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door

I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.

Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”

After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?

Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.

Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?

-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson

Wife: cuddle?

Me: ok

Wife: I mean with me

Me: *with my teddy bear* right

Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.

5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!

Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!