My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
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I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Dear Mom & Dad,
Remember that one night in my teens when I stood in the kitchen denying I was drunk, all while slurring, swaying & peeing on the floor? Well, I still resent the accusation.
Love,
The best daughter ever
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ