My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
