Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all

Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.

i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please

Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.

When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.

I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.

Them: life is so unfair sometimes

Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is

[on a date with a houseplant]

Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.

Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light

“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off

I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?

I’d watch that

If, I, want to, put, a comma, there, then, I will put, the comma, there.

I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly

I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.

I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.

I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.

That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti

Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!

Never go to sleep after making me angry

Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.

[God creating bears]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t

Me: I have an imaginary gf.

Therapist: U can do better than that.

M: I know, it’s just–

T: I was talking to her.

Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.

A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.

I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…

I bought and named a star after you.

If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.

A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”

Child: I’m bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Child: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Child: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Child: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Child: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.

House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.

Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?

This headline is a thing of beauty