My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.
Me: Sorry, I will be out of town
Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?
Me: I’m free June 10.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
i love modern commerce
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
