Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)

If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.

My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.

[tsunami approaching]

guy: RUN

me: wait why is the T silent

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.

PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!

ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*

ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!

METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?

Do not drink and drive..

because there are people out there who text and drive…

and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!

pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian

13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.

Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.

Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking

Today’s weather from Yorkshire

A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”

nothing like a slow cooked sausage

Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.

This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much

Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing

My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”

Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..

[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died

Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around

Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*

Me: THAT’S IT

Do hairy people get bed head all over?

Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.

How people watch movies when they’re:

DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*

Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.

Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.

You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong

[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?