my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
