My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
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always very funny to me when people get all dressed up for thanksgiving. you’re going to stand around your nana’s house do we really need to be doing business casual here
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
This is Huahua. He was told not to chew on the furniture. Which he isn’t. He is chewing under the furniture. 12/10
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth