My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
You Might Also Like
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Great acting.. 😂
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.