My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
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Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Two types of dogs.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”
I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.
My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.