My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
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My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights