Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol

bank teller: something about a gun

Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend

I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.

I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm

me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway

them: uno

me: no i don’t

If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.

Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.

Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.

Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids

Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.

Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house

[first day as a self defense teacher]

Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?

Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up

me irl

Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.

If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.

I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.

Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:

‘What time is it?’

‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’

*blows trombone loudly*

Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’

😃

*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live

ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…

{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station

well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that

me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes

*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me

Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”

please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke

-hearing my dog about to puke

Them: You’re too focused on revenge

Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that

[Doing a crossword quiz]

Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.

Me: “faaark”?

toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.

Date: wanna get out of here?

Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti

I lost my voice.

If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.