My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
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My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Have you ever been driving in a different state and then you see a yellow road sign with like squiggles and an incline and you don’t even know what it means but you just know you don’t wanna have to do that?
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
fired
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”