My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
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Left at a local drug store…
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
We’ve come full circle
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Important
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
