My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
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Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.