My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
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[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
This is my favorite one of these!
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
🐶😂
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
I’ve just seen someone in a twitter thread drama respond
‘I’m not reading all that you parcel’
and why are commonplace words used as insults just so fucking funny and so much more devastating than anything else you could spend ten minutes of your life trying to choose
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…