My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
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Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Only a mother’s love …
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Good morning.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…