My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
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Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
#inspiration #foodforthought
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!