My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
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Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
You can get away with having a large pile of dirty clothes easily, if you put a sign on top of them that sais ”Experiment”
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?