My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
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[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Don’t snitch tag.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
I never needed anything more in my life
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark
There’s never enough good news
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no