My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
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My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
me: ah the house is so clean now
sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
10/10 no notes
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
🤣
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad 🎃
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
a public service announcement
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
lol
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan