SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
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My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.
Now I scrub the floors.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
[walks into bookstore]
Me: do you have any books on turtles?
Worker: Hard back?
Me: Yeah, with little heads.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me: almost done?
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
me: I am going to get so much done…
same me: *loads two forks into the dishwasher* …tomorrow.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Im still waiting for a movie in which someone says “buy me some time” and the guy goes and buys him a clock