@HomeProbably

My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.

You Might Also Like

@jordan_stratton

SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.

ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?

@girlontapas

My Cinderella story is backward.

I started out a princess.

Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.

Now I scrub the floors.

@Fred_Delicious

If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”

@Anon_imosity

[walks into bookstore]

Me: do you have any books on turtles?

Worker: Hard back?

Me: Yeah, with little heads.

@IndecisiveJones

me: hey man you ready to go?

goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone

me:

goku: AHHHHHHHHHH

me: almost done?

goku: AHHHHHHHHHH

me: son of a-

[On the next episode of…]

@Mardigroan

Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!

@cmfh111

me: I am going to get so much done…
same me: *loads two forks into the dishwasher* …tomorrow.

@realfunghi

Caveman 1: Tell me a story.

Caveman 2: Once upon a time….

Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!

@Epygma

Im still waiting for a movie in which someone says “buy me some time” and the guy goes and buys him a clock