My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
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*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
I wish I could veto my bills.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.