My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
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One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.