Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.

If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day

Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.

Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.

Kitchen Rule No 1.

Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.

cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law

me: incompetent lawyer

cop: wha-

me: tainted evidence

cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that

Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.

Mechanic: For how long?

Me: Just until I’m done turning.

Mechanic:

[at pet store]

Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.

Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes

Me: All vans are moving vans LOL

Her: And this is why we’re leaving

If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat

Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!

Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.

Batman: We also poop.

CG: We?

B: They. I mean they

It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.

Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food

cashier: how’d you like to pay for this

me: not at all

Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.

Me: They’re ibuprofen.

But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡

Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.

Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?

Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?

Me: Yes.

Husband:

Me:

Husband: No, I did not.

Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.

i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time

Criminal Tip:

Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.

As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.

Free gun.

I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed

ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head

just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”

[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”

[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*

I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.

I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold

If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.