Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume

A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.

Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃

It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.

[MOM GROUP CHATS]

Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.

[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍

If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway

ATMs be having $4 withdrawal fees talking about “cover your pin” mf you the thief

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.

So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.

I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.

“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.

“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”

~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad

My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever

wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”

me: hey, you wanna get outta here?

museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue

was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this

I believe the plural is “milves.”

SPELLING BEE

“Defiant”

Can I have the definition, please?

“No”

When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth

this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what

my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???

In Russia, the cold complains about you.

Her: Do me on that counter

*Later in therapy*

Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.

not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.

Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.