Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
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[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Easy enough.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.