You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
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Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
*Seductively hides in the woods
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.