Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

got my mind on my money and my money

is nowhere to be found.

Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.

Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.

How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl

Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?

7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten

I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.

Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh

If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.

A party without Vodka is just a meeting.

Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.

Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?

It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile

[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad

Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit

Buzz:

Woody: say it again

Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond

Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means

Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later

“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.

My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.

Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.

I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now

All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried

I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me

Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands

That’s no pocket rocket.

You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On

My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”

Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.

Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.

Follow me for more relationship advice.

[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.

Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.

Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”

Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?