My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
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charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Thinking about Jeff
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now