My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
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[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
#parenting
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
