My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
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waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
This can never not be funny 😭😭
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.