Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.

I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”

If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.

Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.

A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.

It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.

[train]

MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]

MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”

[coat rustles excitedly]

No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.

The Internet is good for two things

1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes

Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.

Home Depot employee: …

I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.

Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.

📸: @lizandmollie

#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward

Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..

Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough

i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell

I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.

Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.

Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.

As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.

You know you’re a writer when you have file names like “final_draft_V15_updated_edited_this_sucks_going_to_rewrite_this_garbage_i_need_a_drink.doc”

[on a first date]

Her: I don’t like guns

Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*

I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.

Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.

me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]

other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF

TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?

[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is

I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress

“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”

Me: You come highly recommended, LOL

Drug dealer: *stabs me*

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.