Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.

Them: Just act casual
Me:

Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?

Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means

Captain: relax, it’s just a title

Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU

“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”

if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”

11: how large is Scotland Yard?

Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…

11: never mind, I will ask google.

My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search

My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.

Waiter: Ready to order?

Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.

Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.

“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”

“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”

finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.

Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling

It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.

What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us

*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice

[slight drizzle outside]

Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography

me: the heart wants what the heart wants

heart: please stop drin-

me: whiskey it is

☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇

I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.

[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]

I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?

Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.

[making out in a club]

her: wanna go to the bathroom?

me: no I’ve just been thanks

Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.

[Zoom call]

Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute

I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.

On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.