My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
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If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Feels
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
The photographer’s assistant
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?