Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.

Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.

Me: Hi guys!

Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!

Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!

Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.

I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.

I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches

My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.

Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?

I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.

When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house

grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?

me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.

A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.

Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.

If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van

I just need a shovel and a good alibi.

How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle

“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.

My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.

My Boss: Are you with me so far?

Me *nodding* : Yes.

*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.

The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.

My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…

he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man

Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT

RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed

Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.

📸: @lizandmollie

#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward

Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes

*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*

I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.

Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.

Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-

*looks at the casket suspiciously*

Erwin Schrödinger.”

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.