My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
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velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Talking to Europeans about healthcare feels like when you’re a kid and your rich friend shows you his toys.
“Wow you got the ambulance ride AND hernia surgery?? Oh. No, no, not me. I got the Uber and off-brand ice pack. Yeah they said it’s basically as good as the real thing.”
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??