Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*

I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there

Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold

Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*

The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”

2021

Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.

Managers: wut?

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]

Me: creative differences

I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work

Things that don’t exist:

1. Unicorn

2. Ghosts

3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.

Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.

NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese

You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.

I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.

someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.

someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.

“STOP COPYING ME!”

I yell, as my car spins out of control.

*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*

Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE

How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!

wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again

Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor

Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?

Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.

One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.

Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.

[3am]

Me:

My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises

(3 minutes into a hunger strike)

Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.

Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.

Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?

They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.

Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.

I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.

ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.

Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?