Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.

Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.

*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!

Date: you know that was just a filter, right?

Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine

[watching video of an amazing feat]

Age 20: i could do that

Age 30: he’s amazing

Age 40: doesn’t that guy work

The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.

ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*

FRIEND: Is that… pudding?

Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.

Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!

The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.

People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.

Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?

fedex guy: here’s your package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian

Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard

Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg

Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.

Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket

really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’

The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.

crow 1: wanna hang out?

undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder

Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.

This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.

how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row

the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.

if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin

Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder

My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK

The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”

ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say