Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.

Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?

Santa Claus isn’t real. Ain’t no man checking a list twice

A coworker just said she couldn’t change the printer ink because she’s very sensitive to electrodes(?) and didn’t have the right crystals to counteract(??)

If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?

I think this cat is broken

Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.

Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?

Woman love a men with good grammar

Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.

TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.

ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.

You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?

Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.

Doctor’s office: Please hold.

Me: Okay.

Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?

Me: Please hold.

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.

Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.

So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.

hear me out…

…lasagna-flavoured cologne

not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured

*licks wrists*

My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.

“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: oh my god let me talk to him

kidnapper: very well

dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees

Wow my pants are really loose today

*skips to the nearest vending machine*

*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf

Trampolines…

Are great…

For…

Peeing your pants…

A little at a time…

*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake

My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.

Little does she know, her father is the prank master

Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.

I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.

someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really

[office]

DAVE: We’re having a baby

SUE: Congratulations!

ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?

I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.

I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR