Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*

Me: *trying to hock a loogie*

Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.

If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.

@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.

me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp

Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.

#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.

Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.

One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.

*dies and gets to hell*

I really thought I’d lived a good life.

*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*

Oh yeah. Fair enough.

If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.

Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.

If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.

everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture

The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild

I cannot believe all of these people are out!

-Me when I’m out

My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.

It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”

If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.

My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.

TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times

We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.

Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.

A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s

I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.

Steven: I love you

Stephen: I lophe you too

home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving

Waiter: May I recommend the steak?

Dracula: You may not

I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!

RoboCop: *about to arrest me*

Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them

RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning

If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.