my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
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Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.
When I grow up, I want to be 16