Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.

Horrifying if literal: shit storm

Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO

Would I miss my leg or my arm more?

(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)

I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.

Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…

Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?

Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.

I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.

Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*

Me: Sweetie, you need to share

Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…

I’ve been his customer for 6 years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.

Monday

Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.

For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.

[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:

I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.

Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.

Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.

Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.

Nurse: Know your blood type?

Me: Type-O

N: That’s good!

M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!

N: Get out

M: Fair enough

Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”

every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood

Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.

My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy

everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no

a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”

My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit

me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours

Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo

Alfredo: Fettucine and what?

I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.