my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie π
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*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre aβ
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
This story is comedy gold π
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s justΒ u only visit me when ur sick
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Being 5β2β, when Iβm going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I canβt hear what theyβre saying
Brother: Theyβre speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now Iβve no choice but to eat it all.
my recent google searches:
β how to colour your own hair
β how to fix a bad dye job
β Wigs By Tiffani
β hats
β making the most of your time in isolation
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
π€£ππ€£
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am