My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
You Might Also Like
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Xylophonist Shredding It
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
When I sing in the shower the water turns cold
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Me, flirting😏
