Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly

My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.

The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him

[first day as a weatherman]

ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?

ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim

I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”

I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.

CNN: The alien invasion has begun

British person: I’ll put the kettle on

I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.

First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count

Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body

My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please

Me: what’s that? More cheese?

I’d rather fork than spoon.

squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!

“What state are we in now?”

-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip

just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….

HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE

CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?

Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?

*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.

me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one

*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see

[on my deathbed]

Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?

Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.

Me: I’M UP!!!

What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:

1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake

[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG

Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys

apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?

“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West

ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?

FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse

I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.

i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars

I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.

Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.