My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
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Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
How does one answer this?
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
#CatsOnTwitter
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family