Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.

“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”

Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.

*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth

YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…

Oh

I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.

tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.

Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake

SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.

ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.

SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.

Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship?

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.

I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.

I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.

New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.

goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up

Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.

I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.

Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.

Me: Secretly? No.

Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight

Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!

Me: *runs away*

Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”

Him: So tell me something about yourself.

Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.

Him: What?

Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.

The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.

[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name

I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.