My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
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[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I feel it
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Cooking a roast dinner is much better than having one cooked for you, because you can eat pretty much a whole extra serving while you’re making it. For instance, I just “tested” three roast potatoes. Next I’m going to test a Yorkshire pudding.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?