My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
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Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat