Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up

I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers

I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.

{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.

{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??

It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.

**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**

“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you

“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War

Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.

It was a tampede.

It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar

It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house

The difference is staggering

If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.

“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”

8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?

me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?

8yo: no that’s not it

Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: OH NO

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.

*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying

they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”

Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.

Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.

Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it

I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.

70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.

Me: The floor is lava!

Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?

Bad joke of the day:

Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.

Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.

Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece

“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession

[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*

The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above

Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!

I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.

Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…

DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok

If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…

My wife is available.