My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
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Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.