Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
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If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no